Catch Your Hand [Ceri]

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

The courage it had taken Ceri to tell Sorren of the baby had nearly made her sick again out of fear. She watched him as she touched his cheek, wanting to pull him closer to her. All she wanted now was to leave this study for the room he'd taken her too so many times before. She wanted out of these dirty rags, wanted to just lay in bed and hold onto Sorren. Every emotion bombarded her from every angle and the thought of just laying against his strong form even, for a moment of weakness, weep for the loss of the rest of her family.

However she waited for his reaction, watching his face, her gaze searching for his own so to know what he felt...but she soon realized that it was not her gaze he was trying to meet, but rather avoid.

"Sorren?" She murmured, her voice tired though concern filled it.

"What of the king?" His question was so simple but it dug so painfully into her as tears rose in her eyes.

Of course he would ask about the King. It was the king she'd married, given her body to...

"Oh Sorren. Even if that man was still alive I would never have let him touch me again since I met you." She began, slowly rising on shaky legs, stepping away from Sorren, "You may hate me though for what I have done now and never wish to touch me...."

Moving towards the window she looked out onto the city in the daylight. So many days she'd been in Ingril wishing to come flying back here, but she'd never thought that she'd return in such a way. "The King has been dead for months now, even before you met me. The King you've known was a doll...an empty husk...an illusion of my own creation." With her confession she fell silent, waiting once more like a prisoner waiting for an executioner's blade.

"I'm sorry, I've lied to you for so long Sorren."

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

Sorren still couldn't look at her. So the king was dead. Guilt wracked him for being almost happy about that. What was wrong with him, that he had let this whole thing skew his loyalty toward his king? But he just couldn't help it. He loved Ceried'a more than anyone or anything in the world, and if this day had taught him anything, it was that he would never be able to let her go.

He looked up finally as she stood and moved away from him. He stood slowly as well, watching her as she went to the window. He could not imagine hating her, but the fact that she mentioned it as a possibility made his stomach wrench. If this day revealed many more secrets, he thought he might burst. But all he could do was wait in silence and listen to her words, a puzzled look on his face.

"The King has been dead for months now, even before you met me. The King you've known was a doll...an empty husk...an illusion of my own creation."

His head spun, and he leaned against his desk as the information sank in. So she had used her illusion magic in front of him before. That day, when he'd gone to bring news of the peace conference, that had been a false king. It had seemed so real. But wait! A thought occurred to him, and he couldn't help but blurt it out.

"For months? Does that mean, when I saw you that day in the stables, the king was already dead?" He looked at her, unable to hide the hurt and confusion in his eyes now. "Why didn't you tell me? I felt like such a fool..."

For so long, he had been struggling with the guilt that he was in love with a married woman, the king's wife, no less. She knew that he had found it difficult to reconcile his feelings for her with his loyalty to the ruler of his country. Why had she let him suffer all this time, when she could have eased his mind with this news all along? It hurt him to think she did so willingly, but he trusted her. Maybe there was some explanation to all this. He just wanted to understand. So much had been revealed today, it was almost overwhelming.

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

Reaching out Ceri pressed her hand to the window like she'd done the last time she'd stood in Sorren's study playing the part of the messenger. If only this could be a happier, more playful moment like that. It couldn't be though as she told him of her treachery.
Nodding slowly she didn't look back at Sorren as he asked of when they'd first met.

"Yes, he'd been dead months before that. The situation was not an easy choice to make, but my son was still young...I did not believe he was ready to take over yet when it had happened." A soft sigh left her lips, the warmth of her breath clouding the window for a moment as her eyes searched the horizon, "His death had happened so fast. Someone had poisoned him, and I watched him die right in front of me and I had to decide right then and then what to do. I chose to protect my kingdom." She wondered if he would understand as she spoke of the incident, tears once more rising into her eyes.

A fool...she'd made her own lover feel like a fool?

"No, Sorren! It's not like that!" Turning she moved towards him, fingers grasping at his shirt as tears poured down her cheek, "I wanted to tell you so badly! I was afraid. I've spent so many years being alone. Even though I was married to the King I felt like I was a prisoner locked away, and I feared that if I told you I would lose everything and be locked up once more even though I had just tasted freedom being with you."

Tears burned in her eyes, breath short and gasping as she clung to Sorren for what could be the last moments she might get with him. "You are a man of such high honor. The moment I met you I never thought a man like you would fall in love with someone like me...and when you did I was so scared of telling you because you were such a good man I thought you would leave me alone again if you knew what a terrible woman I was. I've been holding onto this guilt for so long." Slowly she pulled away looking up at him through the blur of tears caught in her lashes.

"Never once did I wish to make you look or feel like a fool Sorren. Never, I swear by Nero and the other gods and goddess...punish me as you will for what I've done, but never think I wanted to hurt you with this."

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

Someone had poisoned the king? More Niendran treachery, no doubt. But their little plan had failed. Ceried'a had taken matters into her own hands and created the illusion of a king. He might have done the same thing in her place, if for no other reason than to see the looks on their faces when they realized it had gone wrong. Yes, that part of the story made sense. She had been trying to protect her country and her children. But to keep such a secret from him, even after that week during the Winter Festival...

Suddenly Ceried'a was against him, clutching at his shirt, tears streaming down her face. For a moment he was too stunned to do anything, just looking down at her, but as she spoke of being afraid, of wanting to tell him but fearing his reaction, he put his arms around her and hugged her tight, burying his face in her hair as he closed his eyes, more of his own tears falling silently. He hadn't cried since his mother died, and then only in private. Ceri brought out a side of him he didn't show to other people.

As she pulled back and looked up at him, tears standing in her eyes and streaking down her face, he felt a sensation like an arrow striking his heart. He never, never wanted to see her cry like this again. How could he not forgive her? He loved her more than anything, more than life itself. The events of the morning, thinking she was dead, had only made him realize just how true that was, and how he would do anything to keep her in his life. And, gods, she was going to be the mother of his child! That alone was reason enough.

"It's all right, I forgive you," he said, his voice thick with tears. He wiped the wetness from her cheek with the back of his hand and kissed her forehead, then pulled her close again. "But please don't ever think I won't understand. I would never punish you or lock you up. I don't think I could. When I thought I'd lost you, I would have given anything to get you back. And now that you're here, I don't want you to leave ever again."

He sounded like a sap, like a hopeless romantic, like he was pouring his heart out in words, but he didn't care. She had to understand how he felt, why he wanted no more secrets between them. She wanted her to trust him. And suddenly, in the outpouring of emotion that he felt, he had an idea. The king was long dead, she was supposedly also dead, what was holding them back from being together now? Pulling back to look at Ceri, he took her by the shoulders and searched her eyes for a moment. He didn't know how she would respond to this, but he had to say it.

"Ceried'a... marry me. You can disguise yourself as some noblewoman from far away, and we can live here together. You don't have to worry about being a queen anymore, you can do as you like. I've never felt this way about anyone in my life. I love you, Ceried'a. Please say you will. Say you'll marry me."

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

Any minute now he would pull away from her, tell her how disgusted he was with her to trick him like that. To do that to someone you love, to betray that trust they had in their ruler, their lover...every moment that he let her cling to him she took every breath in of his scent as if it would be her last. She'd only felt this despair once before she'd been walked down the aisle at her wedding. A terrified child looking up at the man who would be her husband and trying hard not to scream for her mother to forgive her and end this.

"It's all right, I forgive you,"

She could almost not believe the words she just heard as she pulled back to look up, listening to Sorren as her fingers loosened their hold on him. She'd wondered just how long it would take for her to beg forgiveness for the sin she'd committed against the crown, to beg for Sorren to accept her once more. However now he stood here asking her to stay with him and she could only feel the overwhelming happiness at knowing the wrong she'd done could be so easily cast away. Her own son had forgiven her and now her lover.

"Oh Sorren!" Her voice rose, blinking away the tears in her eyes as she help him tightly. "I wanted to tell you so badly after your first day back in Ingril. When you told me of your own lover, of your woes I wanted to give in then and tell you but I feared that such and honorable man would not want me for his lover if I did." The relief she felt was nothing short of ecstasy for her as she smiled up at him.

When she heard him propose it was like the world had stopped turning for that moment as she started up at him in surprise. Her smile faltered for just a moment from the shock of such a question, lips parted to take in breath, but feeling as if they could not find any purchase in the air. "S-Sorren?!" Many times she'd heard of lesser noble women being asked to marry, not being forced by parents or rules of society, and now when she'd thought she would be a widow the rest of her life...this.

"Of course I want to marry you!" She cried out sharply before drawing her voice back letting it fall back to it's soft tone. "Are you sure we even can? Your own children need to be considered, and there will be the fact of once all of this is over if I'm asked to return to the capitol?" Her hand went to her stomach, somewhere in there a child was growing, her's and Sorren's child, "What should we do. There might even be war Sorren...the thought of losing you would kill me."

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

How similar they were sometimes, fearing that the other would not understand. At her mention of Thul'i, he thought back to how he had told his old friend he loved him. It had been much the same as this. What had Thul'i said then? "I'm only sorry you thought I wouldn't understand." In all this time, it seemed Sorren had not changed much when it came to matters of the heart. Even his impulsiveness, asking Ceried'a to marry him so suddenly, was a trait he had not managed to get rid of.

As her smile faltered slightly, Sorren's heart skipped a beat. Oh gods, she was going to say no, wasn't she? He had asked on a whim, and it had been too much. He should have thought things through first. Since they met that first day in autumn, their relationship had escalated so quickly, maybe it was just too fast for her. But he had never been so sure about anything in his whole life. He braced himself for what he now saw as an inevitable rejection...

But it didn't come. She had said yes! Oh, she had said yes! The grin that came to his face was full of the joy he could hardly contain. But then she was talking about all the things they had to worry about if they did get married. The grin slipped. He just wanted to say 'I don't care, to heck with it all,' but he knew that was not the responsible thing to do. He noticed her hand go to her stomach, and it strengthened his resolve. He put his hand over hers and looked at her with eyes full of love.

"My sons will understand. And if or when you can go back to the capitol, well, we'll just have to make the nobles understand. As for war... I won't lie to you, I must defend my country if I am called to duty. But I will do everything in my power to make sure I come back to you... and our child." Oh, saying it out loud filled him with such happiness. "And who knows? Maybe in a few years I will be able to let Vaenes take over the barony for good, and we can go live somewhere out in the countryside. You could keep me locked up to get soft and fat, I believe was how you put it." He smiled at that.

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

Marriage, the thought put a thrill through Ceried'a that she'd thought she lost so long ago. She wondered what it would have been like to marry a man like Sorren when she was just a girl, he probably would have waited for her...what would their first night have been like? She could see herself coming to love him just as much as she loved him right now. She would have accepted the adopted boys with as much care as she had her own children...even now that they were grown men she would take them in and give them a mother worthy of Sorren's children.

She felt her cheeks grow warm with tears. Gah, the stupid emotions getting in the way of her wanting to just be happy. As Sorren spoke she smiled through her crying. To be accepted into his house, to think of him fighting for her by his side. Come war or peace it made her happy but still it saddened her that they would have to hide even more truths behind lies for now to keep them safe. Her own children would have to believe their mother dead.

Try as she might she laughed as she gave Sorren a playful smack, "I am not like the other women of my....of the court. You would have to stay in some shape just to keep up with me. Once this child is born I will be teaching them fencing and riding..." Her voice trailed off as she smiled up at him before leaning in, her arms wrapping around the Baron.

"So long I wondered if I'd ever find a man like you. I never dreamed I would. I thought that I would be locked away with that man forever. I really almost gave up on ever having a life outside of that prison." She sighed, nuzzling him gently as she brushed gentle kisses along his chin. "When I found out I was with child I thought that maybe I could finally let my doll die, but then my son. He knew all along...I thought we could do this quietly, but I had to hide myself once more. I feel awful making you hold this secret as well. To bear my burden, and you're still crazy enough to want me to be your wife?"

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

She was crying again, but she was smiling this time. That smile made everything worth it. He would do or say anything to make her happy. Perhaps this whole ordeal had been a blessing in disguise. They would finally be able to be together. The baron could deal with keeping one secret for her if it meant he could share his life with Ceried'a. Before he'd met her, he had almost given up on finding someone who would love him for the man he was, instead of loving the status or the money or the bragging rights of having "caught" the baron. He knew he didn't have to worry about any of that with Ceri. She loved him genuinely. The fact that she had come to Maesser when her whole world seemed to be crashing down around her and had told him her secrets was proof enough of that.

Sorren laughed when she smacked him for what he'd said about getting fat and soft. Of course he hadn't been serious about that part. It went absolutely against his nature. But he did think he might like something a bit quieter, one day. He smiled at her comment. "Fencing and riding. I would expect no less from a child of ours."

And oh, as she wrapped her arms around him and mentioned the child again, he hugged her close and his heart swelled almost to bursting. A child, his child, their child. Having a son or daughter of his own had seemed such a distant dream for so long; in his mind it had been totally dependent upon finding a woman he could love and marry first. He had been with women before, but he had always been so careful. In hindsight, he realized that most of the times he and Ceri had been together, it had been so spontaneous and passionate, he hadn't taken the usual measures to make sure something like this didn't happen. But now that it had, he was so happy. His only regret was that it had caused her worry.

He smiled at her question, kissing her forehead before answering. "I would not have mentioned it if I wasn't sure. I've never been so sure about anything before. I'm not saying it won't be difficult to keep this from people, particularly my sons, but if it means we can be together, it will all be worth it. And besides, I want to be a part of our child's life. Oh, you have no idea how much I've longed for all this! Being with you has made me happier than words can express."

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

"I wasn't sure at first. I really wasn't at all." Ceri started softly, resting her head against Sorren as they embraced. She was so tired, and after so long riding in her condition she wanted to just fall asleep in this warmth, "I thought at first I was sick, and then my magic began to falter....and I knew. It was like that the first time...you'd think after three children I would have known instantly, but something scared me in thinking that if I was pregnant I wouldn't be able to tell you about it." Her hands moved to lace over her stomach, protective as she smiled softly.

It scared her to think that if her son had not told her to run the child would become another heir to the throne, unable to know his or her own father. "I was scared that for once I wouldn't be able to celebrate the expected birth because I wouldn't be able to tell you. Not even my eldest would knew before he sent me away. Though he knew of what I did to protect the throne. Strangely he forgave me for that." Her hands moved to cup his face, pulling him close as she kissed him gently.

"I'm yours now, only yours Sorren. I just wish I didn't have to hide." Looking around the room her smile faded just a little as she sighed, "Your people expect a messenger to leave, they expect to hear news of my death...but that may mean I have to spend time away. I don't want to leave this though. I don't want to hide. We've already hidden so much." She was being stubborn and upset, it hurt to think of leaving this man after she'd come so far, but if she was to keep him safe she would have to put her own desires last now.

"There was a inn close by...I can stay there until we can figure out something, once I'm out of here I can change to look like anyone I need to be. I thought of crossing to Wyeshing, but since the fall of the peace conference there has been more violence. It seems like no where is safe, and more than anything I want to protect this child with my life."

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

He bent down slightly to kiss her as she cupped his face in her hands. "I don't want you to ever be scared that you can't tell me something, all right? I love you. I would never hurt you."

Her talk about leaving made his heart sink. No, he had only just gotten her back. There was no way he was going to let her go again so easily, especially not after all she had just told him. He wasn't going to let her leave his side if he could help it. And he knew she didn't really want to go, she just didn't want to cause trouble for him, or get caught herself. Ah, he wished he could just marry her right then and there and damn whoever try to stop them. But that would just be dangerous. They had to have some kind of plan.

"Wait, you don't have to leave. There will have to be a formal coronation ceremony soon, won't there? I can tell everyone the messenger will be staying here until we depart for that, and we can all travel to Ingril together." His eyes were almost desperate as he put his hands on Ceri's shoulders again. He couldn't take her leaving again, not now. "Then when we get there, you can assume a disguise. I'll tell everyone we're to escort you back here to be married. We can even get you a carriage if you don't want to ride back. That would work, wouldn't it?"

It seemed like a good plan to him, but would she be willing to go along with it? She might not want to go back yet and be tempted to speak with her children again. If that was the case, well, it might be best that she not go. But he really didn't want her to leave right now. He had only just made up his mind to spend the rest of his life with her, and he didn't want to wait for that to start.

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

How many times had she wished to have someone in her life to say those kinds of things? How many years? She wasn't sure why really, in the courts when the played her roll as king and queen the woman had been stern, ruled fair but with a resolve of steel. Every emotion she'd pushed aside so as to create a better kingdom, but after so many years of that one man's words could bring her to tears so easily. It almost made her laugh as she pondered just how okay she really was with the feeling that Sorren had turned her into some love sick girl. She couldn't say no to him

"Stay?" She questioned softly. He spoke the truth, a coronation ceremony would happen as soon as the tragedy had made its ripples and settled down. From every death there would have to be something to give the people hope...

Her eldest would be the one to give the country that hope, he swore to her to be a better man then the last, but still she couldn't help but feel the desire to travel back just one last time. See her children as even now she wondered how her daughters faired, what of her second son and his wife? Their wedding would be happening sooner or later would it not? Once more tears tried to work their way to her eyes, but she pushed it all away for Sorren she wouldn't break down. She had to stay strong. From her own loss she would gain a lover she'd always wanted, a child for her new family...

"There are few families among Carthonia who's reach is far enough that even they themselves are not sure who is part of their family and who is not. It may mean the Baron Radvhet has to marry below his station though." The hands on her shoulders were firm, as if further confirming that she would not be able to turn and leave this room until the man holding her got the answer he wanted. It was endearing to look at him, his determination. "However if you wish for the messenger to stay I will not argue. The ride was more exhausting then I thought it would be. I underestimated my own energy." She slipped in closer to Sorren, resting her head against his shoulder letting the silence grow as she closed her eyes and just enjoy knowing that he was there.

[Sorren Alotear Radvhet]

"Marry below my station?" he repeated. He just had to laugh at the irony of those words. If only they knew who his previously-unknown noblewoman of a bride really was! Not that mattered to him. Things like that rarely concerned him, though of course he had had to consider them because of politics and the like. If it were up to him, however, it wouldn't matter at all. He chuckled and brushed a lock of hair behind Ceried'a's ear. "I adopted two little street urchins of no relation to me because I was intrigued by their talents. You really think I would care about something like that?"

When she said she would stay, that she was tired, resting her head on his shoulder, he smiled and wrapped his arms around her. Soon the rumor would get the best of everyone and they would come knocking, impatient to hear him confirm or deny it, but for now he had his Ceri, and the rest of the world fell away. He would have to tell them sooner or later, though. But he didn't want to think about that right now. His responsible side was kicking in, though. Plus, if she was tired, maybe it would be better to let her get some rest while he told everyone.

He pulled back slightly and looked down at her. "There's a room next to this one where you can sleep, if you're tired. It might be a good idea for me to tell everyone the 'news' now, before they get too antsy. Then when you're rested we can talk some more. If that's all right with you."

[Ceried'a Itonris Sa'achern]

As Ceried'a rested her head against Sorren she could hear the laugh rumble through him, rough but so soft at the same time as she clung to him. To hear him happy gave her own spirits a lift as well. "You are a man that baffles so many in the courts. Even I have yet to fully figure you out. I think that is one thing that has drawn me to you. A man that is not easily predicted by others." She let her fingers run across his chest, feeling the soft beat of his heart through his clothes, the warmth that told her that he was here with her now. It was safe.

"And those little street urchins of yours have become wonderful young men that I am glad to have supporting my family. I guess the Baron would marry for love and not for power would he now?" She teased softly, "We will have to think of a proper disguise and story then, but we will have time for that later." A small yawn escaped her as she spoke, one hand moving to cover it as Sorren spoke of a room.

The ex-queen wanted to argue and drag the Baron back with her to the room to sleep. Her own selfishness wanting to fall asleep to the drum of his head and the sound of his breathing, to go to bed knowing she wouldn't wake up in the silent darkness of the woods she'd crossed through to get here. It was wise to tell everyone now, to reveal the tragedy so that curious minds would be to distracted from making up their own stories of the ordeal.

"Yes, we can talk more later. Right now the people need their Baron." She murmured, leaning up once more to kiss him before she drew away starting towards the room.